Welcome back to a new school year! Returning to school can bring up so many feelings for us as parents, as well as for our children. Excitement, anticipation, happiness, fear, worry, and dread may be some of those emotions.
During this time of heightened emotions, it is important to remember that you are often the “dumping ground” for these feelings. Pause, co-regulate, and give your child some space and time to settle into school.
Consider asking your child what went well that day and what they are most proud of once they are regulated. Validate their feelings and monitor before jumping in to help solve the problem.
Remember, these early months are a great time to approach teachers with any of your questions and concerns, especially as they relate directly to your child.
We hope that as things settle into a routine, school starts to feel more manageable and calmer for everyone. Supporting and developing executive functioning (EF) skills is one key action we can take to make things at home and at school much more seamless.
Recently, Paige McDonald (Head of Student Supports) and Erin Ellis (Director of Student Supports and Wellbeing) presented at September’s School Council of Calgary Academy (SCOCA) meeting.
They discussed EF and offered ways in which we can support our children in further developing these skills. Because it is such an important topic, I wanted to share some of that information here as well.
They defined EF as:
“Brain-based cognitive processes that help us to regulate behaviour, make decisions, set and achieve goals.”
Specifically, they talked about the following EF skills:
- Response inhibition: self-control, thinking before acting.
- Sustained attention: focus, paying attention.
- Cognitive flexibility: shift thinking, see other perspectives.
- Goal-directed persistence: sticking to a goal.
- Emotional control: manage emotions and feelings.
- Metacognition: knowing and managing how you think.
- Time management: knowing how long things take, planning accordingly.
- Task initiation: starting a task.
- Working memory: temporarily holding and using information.
- Stress tolerance: enduring pressure, stress, and uncertainty. Being able to “sit” in discomfort.
- Planning/prioritization: organize tasks, manage resources, and focus on what matters.
- Organization: creating structure to support follow-through.
Developing and supporting EF skills is crucial for success in our lives at school, work, and out in the world. It is important to note that these skills don’t fully develop until age 25 and over and are often delayed in neurodivergent populations (ADHD, ASD, SLD, etc.) by 3-5 years. As an example, if your child is in Grade 12, their EF skills may be those of a much younger student.
Therefore, we need to create structures at home that support the development of these skills so that we can be our child’s “surrogate frontal lobe” until it’s fully developed. This month, we are tackling some general strategies that help support many EF skills. In the following months, we will dive deeper into each of the 12 skills listed above.
5 Tips to Support EF Skills at Home
Sleep hygiene is crucial
- Children aged 5–13 should average 9–11 hours per night, while those aged 14–18 should average 8–10 hours per night.
- Keep a regular schedule; go to bed and wake up at roughly the same time every day.
- Limit screen time before bed. Power down 30–60 minutes before bed and keep screens out of your room.
- Keep the room quiet, dark, and cool.
- Develop a sleep ritual that signals to your body that it is time to sleep. Try relaxing, stretching, a hot bath, caffeine-free tea, reading, or meditation.
- Do a “brain dump” before bed, noting what is causing stress and worry.
Promote autonomy, voice, and choice whenever possible
Do not do anything for your child that they can reasonably be expected to do on their own at their given age. Come alongside your child and do the task with them rather than for them. Gradually decrease the amount of coaching and support until independence has been achieved.
For example:
- At younger ages, let your children choose their clothing within reasonable guidelines, such as Is it weather-appropriate? Is it clean? Let them dress themselves and be okay with what they choose!
- Have them pack their own lunches and backpacks. Ask them to unpack their school backpack when they get home and put everything in its designated spot.
- Have them do their own laundry, or at least sort, fold, and put it away.
- Encourage them to load and unload the dishwasher.
Create morning and evening routines
Create routines with your child and utilize visual supports, such as checklists and calendars, where applicable.
Do this by establishing your family’s non-negotiables (expectations that are necessary for health, safety, family values, or commitments and are not optional). Discuss respectful negotiation by giving children choice, voice, and autonomy in how they meet expectations while maintaining the non-negotiable outcome.
Examples of non-negotiables
- Bedtime
- Wake time
- Curfew
- Screen time
- Having breakfast and dinner
- Taking medication
- Brushing teeth
- Showering
Examples of respectful negotiations
- Choices for breakfast
- When to shower
- What to wear
- How to keep personal bedroom spaces
- Where to study
- Varying curfew on weekends
- Where to eat sometimes
The need for autonomy grows in importance as our children get older. It is important to give our children and teens room to discuss rules and expectations respectfully and ensure we are “bending” when it makes sense to do so.
Model and make explicit how to “work backwards”
For example:
- What time should we leave the house to get to school on time?
- How long is the drive?
- Does that account for traffic?
- What time do we need to wake up?
- How long does it take us to eat, brush our teeth, attend to our appearance, and get dressed?
- Have we accounted for unexpected “time robbers” such as a missing shoe, a forgotten lunch, or a bad hair day?
Visualize the task and talk it through together, noting the time robbers you are already aware of. Remember that constantly feeling rushed can increase stress and anxiety, so help your child understand the need to build in time to expectations and plan for delays and interruptions.
Explicitly teach your child how to use a daytimer or calendar. Teach them how to break down a larger task into manageable chunks. If there is an exam coming up, for example, help them allot daily study time into their calendar well before the deadline.
A great strategy, especially for older students, is to have them map out their day in 15-minute increments, listing everything they need to accomplish. This includes:
- Breaks
- Time with friends
- Drive time
- Screen time
- Homework
- Extracurricular activities
- Getting ready for bed
- Getting ready for school
When they are tempted to procrastinate, direct them back to their schedule to determine where their non-preferred task can reasonably be moved.
Help them be a time detective. How were their predictions? Did things take longer than anticipated? Where do they need to make adjustments? If you, as the parent, are unsure how long an assignment should take, check in with the teacher and ask.
Model and explicitly teach emotional control and stress tolerance
- Label your own emotions when they are coming up for you and state how you are going to cope with them. For example: “I am feeling very frustrated right now. I am going to take a five-minute break in my room. I will be back.”
- Be open to apologizing to your child or teen when it is warranted. For example: “I lost my temper this morning when you didn’t put away your dishes. I am sorry I yelled. Let’s figure out how to make this work.”
- Resist the urge to jump in and “fix” whatever is feeling challenging or uncomfortable for your child. Hear them out, validate their feelings, and ask how they might solve the problem. For example: “Sounds like you had a tough conversation with your friend that really hurt your feelings. What will you try to solve it?”
- Remember: never engage with your child or teen (or anyone) if they aren’t regulated. Their brains are “offline” and unable to receive feedback
Additional Resources
Counselling Services and Wraparound Support
If you have any questions or concerns regarding any aspect of your child’s learning journey, please reach out to our Head of Student Supports, Paige McDonald.
Serena Braun, Registered Psychologist, provides short-term (6–8-session) counselling to students in Grades 3–12.
Demetra Mylonas, Student Wellbeing Specialist, continues to provide SEL and wellness support to staff and small groups of students.